It's been a long time since I've written.......today I write about a personal experience that me and my husband endured------How Do You Go On After the Miscarriage??????
When I first found out (10/4/15) that I was pregnant I was confused and scared because this is something that I've always wanted....and to top it all off it was with the one person that I've always wanted to have children with......and as I was 42 and didn't think it would ever happen.....
For the year of 2015 our Man of God had declared and also had been teaching on Realized Dreams....and I would hear his voice saying it over and over again and so I started to believe it......then after finding out I went the next day to the ER (10/5/15) to get the answer that I knew was already true......and they said you are pregnant but I had to take it easy.....so I started confessing that me and the baby would be healthy and go full term.......I prayed and talked to my stomach like the baby was already here and I was talking to him or her.......so a few days later (10/10/15) there was some complications and back to the ER me and my husband headed.....I was so scared didn't know what to expect and all I knew is that I wanted our baby to be ok.....so we had another ultrasound and the Tech said that everything was ok...whewwwwwwwww that was a true relief....so then we went back to the room to wait for the Dr......so he walks in and says do you know......we were like well yeah she said the baby is ok.....NOPE......SURPRISE we were having TWINS....so naturally we were like hold up you got to be kidding....as we were both SHOCKED for sure.......so now not only were we trying to prepare for one baby but now two....and I was like thank u JESUSSSSSSSSSSSSS......I couldn't believe that this was happening to us.....I had always longed to have children so to have them with someone that I always wanted to have children with made it even more special and a blessing...after all I've loved my husband since I was 12 years old........God spoke to me and told me that the babies purpose would be RESOLUTION AND RESTORATION...and surely they kept their end of the bargain....as it did with me and their father......it restored us in a way we had no idea needed restoring and it resolved some things we didn't know needed resolving......
We went that Sunday (10/11/15) to church to let our Pastor (Mike Freeman-SOFCC) know that we were having twins as he had laid hands on me and my husband (Calvin) three times and surely we were excited to share that we had walked and believe what he had been teaching us for so long...and we were living proof that if you believe it will come to pass.......(side note----my husband was like see what happens when Pastor Mike lays hands on you----he can't lay hands on us no more) lol........
So first we set up an appointment (10/23/15) with my GYN (whom I've been seeing for like 15+ years to surprise him).....well let's just say he was so shocked and surprised and wished us well....So next we had to find an OB doctor like helloooooooooo I didn't know anything about this......I was like where do I go....I was hard trying to find someone to see me soon......I found an OB in Suitland, Maryland and the Maternal Fetal Specialist was connected to them so that was a blessing......So as time went on after first confirming that we were having twins we had an appointment to have our very first sonogram done at the specialist (Maternal Fetal Doctor) (11/3/15)......and well we were hit with the most devastating news that we have ever heard as a couple.....we saw the babies on the monitor and naturally as a first time mother I didn't know exactly what I was looking at but I surely knew that I saw our two babies there and that they were doing fine.......so when the Dr. came in and said that unfortunately there were no heartbeats.....surely she couldn't be talking to us.....because the way she said it was not a way that any one should here this especially a first time mother......(this chic had no bedside manner at all---she said it like whatever this is what it is)......I was in complete shock and just didn't know what to say or think.....because we had just seen them on the screen..........
After a few minutes it hit me and I couldn't stop crying and my husband did his best to console me and tell me that it was going to be ok....and my first thought was ohhhhh nooooooo I was wondering how my husband was going to take this news and how he was feeling as we had just experienced the loss of one of his best friends who was murdered (whom had just passed away four days prior)....And in my mind seeing the babies for the first time would be the bestest news that my husband needed to feel a little better after hearing such devastating news about his best friend.......
Immediately I was like you have to call Pastor Rick because that is all that I knew to do was talk to someone at church of course that is of like Faith as us.......so we went and spoke with Pastor Rick and ultimately we went to have a second opinion done....but it was the same results.....but as this Dr. had a good bedside manner it was better received than it was from the Maternal Fetal Doctor.......
But too no avail this was the most heartbreaking news that we had shared together after creating two angels and wondering what to do next.....so I had to go to the doctor the next day and that's when it really hit me that I had to have surgery to remove them and Lord knows this was so hard for me to do because medically I was having an abortion and anyone that knows me knows that I don't agree with this so imagine this was a tough battle for me......
It took so much out of me that I didn't want to go on any more.....as God always knew what my heart was and that I've always wanted children........
The enemy was working in overtime and knew that my heart was loving children and he was very busy....but God has made sure that we haven't given up and we will never give up........
Was I mad at God......yes indeed I surely was and I was wondering why me God.....what did I do to deserve this....what did I do wrong....
And my husband said you did nothing wrong...and I felt like I disappointed my husband....I felt like I didn't protect my children....I'm
grateful for my husband because if it not been for him where would I
be....he has helped me the best he can and been there for me.....and for
this I'm grateful to be his wife.......we have learned to keep the
communication open and always be there for each other no matter what.....putting each other first.......
I tried to figure out why was I so depressed and couldn't move past this....and I had to start doing research because surely I couldn't have postpartum depression since they didn't make it to full term....but I was wrong.....I had all the symptoms of postpartum depression....
I wanted to kill myself.......I didn't want to get out of bed...didn't want to be around people at all......and then I had to start praying for God to give me the strength to go on....and yes I'm still dealing with this and I still feel sad and depressed at times....but now when I feel that way I call someone so that I don't stay in that place......Please go and get help don't take this on by yourself.........
I turned to my sister because I knew that she had experienced this before and I really needed to talk to people that knew exactly what I was going through....and she has been a rock for me and each and every time that I've called her she didn't make me feel like (girl you calling again about this)....thank God for Big Sisters.........
God has also given me several (sista girls) to be able to lean on at any given time.......they are truly amazing----they pray with me....pray for me on the spot.....and give me the encouragement that I need right then and there no matter how many times that I call on them.....and for that I will always be GRATEFUL.............
God has also given me several (sista girls) to be able to lean on at any given time.......they are truly amazing----they pray with me....pray for me on the spot.....and give me the encouragement that I need right then and there no matter how many times that I call on them.....and for that I will always be GRATEFUL.............
Here are just a few key points to helping yourself and others:
- God promises to work all things out for your good when you trust Him to do so. Ask yourself honestly how your baby’s death has affected your view of God’s goodness. Consider whether you’ve turned toward God or away from Him in your grief. If you’ve doubted God’s goodness and turned away, pray against bitterness taking root in your life and ask God to reveal some of the good ways He is working in your life. Keep in mind that your baby was a gift from God, even though he or she lived just for a brief time. Ask God to give you His perspective on your baby’s life and death.
- God promises to fulfill His purposes for your life despite your loss. Pray for God to reveal His purposes for the pain you’ve suffered because of your baby’s death. Ask God to show you how you can live according to those purposes, which often involve acts of compassion that help other suffering people and make you a more loving person in the process. Take action as God leads you, from donating something to a children’s charity in your baby’s memory to reaching out to another grieving person who needs encouragement.
- God promises to be your one true source of comfort. God declares: “As a mother comforts a child, so I will comfort you…” (Isaiah 66:13). You can count on God’s comfort being there for you in prayer, when you read the Bible, and in the caring people God brings into your life and works through. Allow others into the messiness of your grief, asking for encouragement, prayer, and practical help when you need it and letting people who care know of specific ways they can help you. Whenever you’re ready to do so, reach out to others in need of comfort, offering listening, prayer, or something else that may help them.
- God promises to give you peace in any circumstances you face. Even in the midst of grief over the death of your baby, it’s possible to experience peace, because peace doesn’t depend on your circumstances. Jesus has promised to give you peace that transcends earthly understanding whenever you trust Him to do so. Pray about the anxieties, fears, turmoil, or confusion that is interfering with your ability to receive peace from Jesus, asking the Holy Spirit to renew your mind so that you can focus steadfastly on Jesus and experience peace in the process.
- God promises to refine your life in the shadow of your loss when you surrender to His work in your life. When you humbly invite God to use your baby’s death to help you grow more into the kind of woman He intends you to become, God will use the pain of your grief like a refining fire in your life. He will strip away impurities from your soul as you spend time with Him in prayer and reading the Bible with the goal of seeking a closer relationship with God. Although it can be painful to consider whether you may have made an idol out of your desire to have your baby live, be honest with yourself about whether or not your longing for your baby has become more important to you than God. While it’s certainly not a sin to want to have a living child, it is a sin when that desire takes God’s place in your life. Ask God to help you get to the place where you desire what’s most important – a relationship with Him – as your top priority, and then want children only to enhance your relationship with God.
- God promises to fill the emptiness in your life and restore your soul. Invite God to fill the emptiness that your baby’s death has created in your life physically (such as a longing in your arms and vacancy in your body), emotionally (such as jumbled up feelings of shock, numbness, sadness, devastation, confusion, or guilt), and spiritually (a sense of hopelessness). Remember that God’s healing power is never out of reach; He will always help you whenever you ask Him for help.
- God promises eternity in heaven. Your baby who died is now living with God in heaven, and you can be sure that he or she is enjoying a life free of suffering and full of love. If you trust in Jesus as your Savior, you can count on going to heaven yourself one day and meeting your child there.
We will continue to try and as our Man of God has declared 2016 the year of MOVING MOUNTAINS..and surely we will be MOVING MOUNTAINS and we will have a blast trying again.....whoop whoop WE WIN.
So I say all of this to say that there is life after the Miscarriage....just believe God and watch Him work......WE ARE FOCUSING ON THE PROMISE AND NOT THE PROCESS...........Keep trying and don't ever give up...........He is an awesome God and His word will never come back void............
Here are a couple of websites that have helped me:
Many Blessings and Healing,
Mz. Kiwi's Blog
Calvin & LeVette Thomas
